It’s a Helluva Town

While surfing through the myriad of Internet “gET RICH QUICKE RITING AT HOME IN YOU’RE UNDERWHERE!!!1″ scams, I found one that offered money, power, and my own harem of wenches. The only prerequisite was easy enough – write a description of my hometown in 250 words or less. Never being one to turn down a chance to slander my roots, I churned this out:

At first blush, Lebanon, Indiana may seem like a small, unremarkable town, its only defining feature being its inordinate amount of obese citizens. But to dismiss it based on the denizens’ apathy toward personal care would prevent any true exposure to the town’s redeeming qualities.

When the "world's tallest single-piece limestone pillars" are your town's mark of fame, you know you've landed. (Img obtained from: http://imaps.indygov.org/newimagis/images/BooneCoCourthouse.jpg)

Lebanon is home to the beautiful county courthouse. The townspeople will be quick to reveal that it once had the world’s tallest limestone pillars upon its completion in 1911. Visitors should also make note of how quickly they were able to gain access into the town center. For only a population of 14,000, Lebanon features an inexplicable number of interstate entrances and exits. The amount of through-traffic this allows, in conjunction with the innumerable truck stops, gives vacationers a glimpse into the breadth of humanity that few ask for and even fewer wish to remember.

For visitors seeking activities, the bowling alley is unparalleled in both decrepitude and stench. Those seeking a tamer outing may wish to visit the public library where the books are not the only entertainment. The library also offers hours of aimless conversation with its clientele of senile elderly and destitute homeless.

With so much character, Lebanon has worked hard to make itself the sightseeing hotspot of central-northwest Indiana. And now that the new 24-hour Super Wal-Mart is complete, the town has nothing left but years of economic and cultural growth ahead of it.

Needless to say, my check is in the mail and you’re all invited to my yacht party after I receive it.