I’ll confess, I saw Saw 1 and 2 in theaters. I rented 3. By the time Saw 4 came out, I had a hard time believing the makers really wanted me to care anymore, so I didn’t. Now the 5th one is on video and a spin-off reality TV show has already cast for the 6th iteration. Clearly somebody is watching, but it really got me wondering how many ways a human being can die. Surely they’ve got to be scraping the bottom by now, so I’ve decided to compile a list of my ideas to help the writers out.
- Papercut: Nevermind burning or drowning, this has got to be one of the worst ways to go. Imagine sawing through a shinbone with a piece of card stock. Even more painful, imagine one of the characters suffers only a single papercut during their escape, elated at their new lease on life. Meanwhile, the Saw Guy/Gal/Whatever planned exactly this. Think of the mental anguish the papercuttee would go through when he finds that his relief was for nought after his minor papercut becomes infected and kills him through a long, drawn-out death for weeks.
- Suffocated by a fat woman: And not the pleasant kind of suffocation (there’s a pleasant kind, right?) from her wrapping her sausagey appendages around your throat. Think more of being smothered by her enormous girth. It combines the primal fears of both suffocation and claustrophobia. Pretend you’re standing in line at Wal*Mart and you’ll get the idea.
- Taco Bell: Much like smoking, Taco Bell is bound to do all its users in eventually. The only variables are when and by what disease. The new Saw is free to explore any of the multitudes of Taco Bell-induced deaths, all of them are bound to be entertaining. I would suggest using the gluttony death from Se7en and taking it one step further – a type of spontaneous human combustion of entrails, cheesy beef, and flavor!
If any of these deaths show up in the next Saw, they’ve got my eight dollars!
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