In a bid to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible, I found this: http://illseed.com/2009/01/28/study-masterbation-causes-cancer.
Nevermind that the site doesn’t know how to spell in its URL, mostly I just wanted to share the accompanying picture. It reminds me a lot of myself when I used to be half-handsome.
But it makes one think. The nameless “study” says that adjusting the antenna is dangerous up to a certain age. After that, I guess you finally learn how to do it right, without angering God or your prostate, apparently. This brings to light an issue in this country that is all-too-often swept under the rug: underage self-manipulation. Did you know that doing the five knuckle shuffle is legal in every state (although Utah laws are vague enough that I wouldn’t brag about it there) as long as it’s done in private? Hand it to those jokers in Washington to ignore the safety of our 20-40 year-old children by refusing to outlaw it. Won’t somebody please think of the children!
An admittedly awkward way to confront your child about exercising the baloney pony. (Image obtained from: http://www.pre-screen.com/parents.htm)
I’m taking up the cause and I won’t rest until there is an age restriction placed on varnishing the banister. Clearly, the “study” implies that arguing with Henry Longfellow leads to hairy palms, rounded shoulders, eye liquidation, erectile dysfunction, rape, and now cancer. So, in light of all of this, how can our government be so naïve as to leave it in the hands (heh) of our kids? I will not rest until the President hears my pleas! I will not rest until this potentially fatal activity is outlawed!
For more masturbation euphamisms, consult this site and your local library.
