Wishing You and Yours a Sappy V-Day!

Throughout history, courtship has mainly rested on the prospect of sex. Most of the time it had been thinly veiled in metaphor, like when William Blake said, “[...] the invisible worm / That flies in the night, / In the howling storm, /Has found out thy bed / Of crimson joy[...]” Nevermind the ominous overtones of the rest of the poem, it was clearly about the beast with two backs.

Sometime around the turn of the 19th century, men got lazy. When that happens, businesses spring up, offering to sell a $3.50 piece of cardboard with the guarantee of a “return” on your investment. For the next 200 years, everyone was happy; guys no longer had to write creepy poems, the economy got its push, and women continued to put out under the assumption that they were somehow special.

Then, as is customary for most women, they got greedy and I found this article. If you’re too lazy to read the news (and who isn’t?) the abstract can be found in the first paragraph:  “Nearly half of American women take Valentine’s Day so to heart they would give up something special – like sex or chocolate – for a month in order to have an ‘awesome’ holiday.” I’ll ignore the stupidity involved in the theory that giving up chocolate for a month amounts to some sort of measurable sacrifice, but sex? You can’t take away the only benefit a guy sees from this holiday and still expect to have an “awesome” time. Ideally, Valentine’s Day is a holiday about celebrating love. It is not about worshiping your overweight ass, which has gotten so gelatinous because you can’t be bothered to “sacrifice” chocolate for anything but a month. I’m willing to bet sex would even be a concession for most men, compared to the monetary costs  most women consider an “awesome” V-Day.

So this is a plea to women. Jane Fonda didn’t give you all jobs so you could continue spending your beau’s money. Don’t lose sight of the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, whatever that is. It’s called the Day of Love, for a reason, not the Day of Stuck-Up Bitch.